Dear Mr. Al E. Cat:
I find opening other people's mail to be improper and quite honestly utterly distasteful but when your letter arrived with postage due I was curious as to who was sending our little princess a card without proper postage or a return address - so gauche.
(For the record Miss Lucy is not your "Babe"- I find such familiarity vulgar and repugnant)!
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You sir are terribly mistaken if you think our precious Lucy would want anything to do with a toe-less, split eared, match-stick sucking, drug dealing, ex con who hangs out behind pool halls.
Although Lucy's lineage is somewhat unknown, you can be assured that she has grown to love the finer things in life:
sunning and keeping herself fastidiously groomed,
She has a most demanding social schedule of costume parties,
and entertaining family and friends.
Lucy fills her quiet time with sewing,
and on line french classes and research.
She in fact is much too refined and busy to be meeting with the likes of you behind a bar, or anywhere else for that matter. (Besides she is not allowed out of the house).
You sir, will not attempt to contact Lucy again. If you do I will be forced to contact Animal Control and have you impounded for vagrancy and you know what they do to stray males before they are released back into society. (Let's just say you'll be singing soprano in an up coming performance of Piccini's Toscat'a).
I encourage you to stop the carousing, turn yourself in, and start working on rehabilitating yourself while working toward finding yourself a new forever home.
Mrs. Zingg (Lucy's mother)
PS You owe me 21 cents